300

Excellent trailer, friends and I have been running about yelling “This… is… SPARTA!” for a while now. Soundtrack btw, is an excellent NIN song “Just like you imagined”.

Watch Trailer here

slow mental stagnation

Life is and always will be as a wisp of smoke, beautiful for those who watch, and entirely pointless for those who observe closely.

Fortunately, playing MMORPG games erases from mind the futility of one’s own life and allows one to focus, instead, on the curious activity of building a life for one’s characters.

I have a bit of a secret to share: I am very, very pissed off 90% of the time. My life has and always will be reduced to a waste by myself. No need for me to externalize the blame since I’ll subconsciously channel internalize it anyway, so might as well consciously internalize it as well.

I have one course a week. This comprises of one three hour session with people I thought of as juniors and hence implicitly inferior to myself. To say that my academic growth is stagnant would be an understatement. I work at a place where I am anonymous and do not have to interact with people on a face to face basis. I would change this but I have yet to discover a vocation that will not force me to interact with people with emotions that are not mine to advance. I push people away because I truly believe that I deserve to be alone. Perhaps I believe the fear of being alone with motivate me into working harder, just pushing myself a tiny bit to achieve just a little more. This does not work, evidently, as I appear to enjoy being alone as well as gain some sort of justification of my own low self worth from this end result.

I need to aim higher. I need to aim, period. I need to figure out what I want and why and separate that which I want for myself that I believe is good for me, and that which I want that is not a good thing.

I need to believe that I can fall in love. How does one make oneself believe in something one knows to be impossible? Falling in love has a prerequisite: a certain optimistic outlook on life and all contained within; a happy assurance that mankind is not all full of that which is trash. A feeling of knowing someone is your equal, your match.

I need to believe that there is something in the world that is worth finding, worth looking for, worth going out there to.
I need to get rid of this stagnant feeling. I need a therapist. I need a career counselor. I need one friend, just one, who will truly listen, instead of “just waiting for their turn to speak”.

Or maybe I should just get married to some rich feudal looking for someone with childbearing hips and have five children and smoke authentic tobacco-filled sheesha till I’m wrinkly and dead.